Natasha Murashev is the author of Psychworld.com, a digital magazine focused on applied psychology.
Twenty-five year old UK citizen Camille Mathurasingh never suspected that joining Facebook would be her fatal mistake. Mathurasingh was brutally murdered by her long-distance boyfriend, Paul Bistol, after he saw Facebook pictures of Mathurasingh with her new boyfriend according to BBC News. Although Bistol took his feelings of jealousy to an extreme, feeling jealous because of Facebook is very common among romantically-involved Facebook users. According to a study published in the Journal of Cyberpsychology and Behavior, the more time your romantic partner spends on Facebook, the more jealous he or she will likely become. Here’s how to prevent Facebook jealousy before it happens.
Responding to Facebook Jealousy: A Recipe For Disaster
Imagine that you log onto Facebook, and you see a picture of your partner hugging their ex at a fun party. How would you respond? According to Miller and Perlman’s Intimate Relationships book, men and women respond to jealousy differently.
When confronted with the likelihood that their boyfriend may be attracted to another woman, women tend to work to improve the relationship by making themselves more attractive than their rival while showing indifference. As a result, women are more likely than men to try to get their partner jealous in order to test how much the partner cares about the relationship. In other words, women expect men to react to jealousy in the same way that women do.
When confronted with a jealousy-invoking scenario, however, men strive to protect their ego by possibly confronting their rival and then considering ending the relationship to pursue other women. For women the point is clear: find other ways to test your relationship rather than making your boyfriend jealous through Facebook. Inducing jealousy in your man will only drive him away from you. Men, when a woman is trying to make you jealous, instead of running away, consider questioning why that is the case and work to improve your relationship.
5 Steps To Prevent Facebook Jealousy
Although your partner may not mention it to you, he or she has looked at every part of your Facebook profile and is monitoring all of your stories in his or her News Feed every day. So to prevent any confusing and potentially relationship-ending situations, do your relationship a favor, and follow the following 5 steps to prevent Facebook jealousy in your partner:
1. Unfriend Your Ex
Yes, you both said you will still remain friends after the break-up, but there are ways to be friends outside of Facebook without everybody knowing about it. After all, you just broke up, and seeing pictures of your ex with people of opposite sex will not help you get over the relationship any sooner.
2. Untag Pictures Of You and Your Ex Together
Although the process of untagging all those photos of you and your ex is tedious and possibly even painful, your new potential partner will definitely browse through those photos. Do you really want your new partner feeling insecure from hours of comparing him or herself to your ex?
3. Communicate With Your Partner
If you think your friends may tag you in an inappropriate picture from last night, tell your partner about last night before the picture goes up. That way, your partner will learn to trust you instead of wondering what else you’re trying to hide.
4. Spend More Time With Your Partner
The more time your partner spends away from Facebook, the less jealous he or she will be. Spending more time with your partner, instead of stalking him or her on Facebook, will allow for the two of you get to know your true (instead of cyber) selves. Seriously, your partner probably has new favorite movies and books than what he or she posted on Facebook five years ago – get to know each other’s current interests.
5. Change Your Privacy Settings
Jealousy is genetic. So if your partner gets really jealous all the time, and the two of you fight a lot over what your partner periodically finds in your Facebook profile, consider changing your Facebook privacy settings.
How To Deal With A Jealous Partner
To late to avoid the jealous partner syndrome? Since you cannot prevent jealousy in your partner 100 percent of the time, a constructive way to improve your partner’s feelings is by reminding him or her how awesome they are. According to Miller and Perlman’s Intimate Relationships book, having a high self-esteem –knowing that you are a worthwhile and valuable individual –helps keep jealousy at manageable levels.
Although it may be hard to deal with a jealous partner, how would you feel if your partner didn’t get jealous no matter what you did? Yet, although it makes us feel better about ourselves when our partner gets a little jealous, jealousy can have unpleasant consequences, such as in the case of Camille Mathurasingh and Paul Bistol.
How have you dealt with Facebook jealousy? Do you know anybody who’s relationship has been damaged by Facebook?
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Brilliant post!
Comment by Julian Habib — March 23, 2010 @ 6:55 am
My boyfriend got so jealous of my "friending" other men in FaceBook, he broke up with me. He had invited his family to my Thanksgiving dinner and then did nothing to help me get it ready. Then, the night before Thanksgiving, he got so jealous of my 'talking' to a friend in FaceBook that he tried to pick a fight. I told him that I was already stressed out enough about this dinner without him coming down heavy on me about who I choose to "friend" in FaceBook. He told me I was being disloyal to him and the only people he trusts on FaceBook is his own family. I should only talk with them. I said I would be happy to discuss this like two thinking adults AFTER the dinner party he insisted I host.
He hasn't spoken to me since.
Comment by donnamsar — March 23, 2010 @ 6:55 am
jealousy is baaaad. If a woman doesn't see it, or a man….problemo…..is starts very small. turn around and get out.ASAP. problem is they don't.
Comment by krissy — March 23, 2010 @ 7:59 am
Never gave it a second thought before, but very good points.
By the way, who in their right mind keeps their exes as FB friends? Not smart…
Ana/YourNetBiz Article
Comment by What Is YourNetBiz — March 23, 2010 @ 11:01 am
hey.. Great and different thought of finding solution.. Good
Comment by Saria — March 24, 2010 @ 3:58 am
Ana, actually 80 percent of Facebook users friend their previous romantic or sexual partner…but I agree, probably not the smartest move.
Comment by Facebook User — March 24, 2010 @ 4:18 am
Great post! It's ironic that jealousy arises to protect something that we want to keep (a relationship, love), yet it almost always strains or destroys what it was meant to preserve. It seems to me to be more akin to a disorder.
I only disagree with you on one point: I don't think that jealousy, or any complex behavior, is genetic. Humans don't have real instincts (born with the knowledge of something, like how to build a nest or what is safe to eat). Social behaviors and associations that trigger jealousy are more likely learned. If this is indeed the case, then it's possible to train ourselves to respond differently. Wouldn't it be nice if we could fix that faulty response with something that actually works?
The tips you give are solid, especially building up a jealous partner's self esteem. That goes a long way, and can contribute a lot toward controlling and overcoming jealousy, thereby reducing the likelihood of relapses.
Yet, a long-term strategy is needed. There's only so much a partner or any outsider can do; real improvement must be earned. Once the practical and thoughtful damage control preparations that you've suggested above are in place, the opportunity arises to replace the destructive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors with something benign, or even constructive, and make lasting, positive changes. Jealousy can be overcome.
Comment by Randall B. Wyatt — April 3, 2010 @ 7:31 pm
My boyfriend became jealous because he did not know the men I was friending and although they were old school buddies it did not alleviate the jealousy. He does not have a FB account and cannot monitor but only worry about who I'm talking to. He was worth more to me than my FB page so I deactivated.
Comment by Melinda — July 6, 2010 @ 5:11 am
You're awsome for doing that for him. My wife of 14 years doesn't agree with my jealous feelings, all she does is communicate with her old school buddies. Well, I'm considering divorce, and it sucks…I hate facebook!!!!
Comment by Robert — October 10, 2010 @ 2:34 pm
I have made good facebook choices,… such as not befriending ex's or their family or even mutual friends. Last night my spouse was gone for his national guard weekend warrior time and I took some pretty photos of myself made up and dressed up, sent them to his phone and thought it would make him smile,…. and then apprently made a huge mistake by posting them onto my facebook profile. No the photos were not seductive and I was not calling out for reassurance but this mistake ended up causing us to argue for the remainder of the evening as he felt that by me posting photos i took for him they were no longer special when i posted them to my profile. Facebook is not what I feel is to blame for our upsets, its our choices and how we view things.
Comment by Novaenea — October 17, 2010 @ 1:04 pm
my partner has signed up to facebook, he knows i dont like it, but he signed up anyway, he didnt tell me straight away.
i love him very much and trust him but he knew i would find out anyway, so why not just tell me.
i know he probably wanted to spare my feelings but wish he had told me. sounds daft but i have cried buckets since i found out.
Comment by jill collins — November 1, 2010 @ 10:22 am
My wife reacts to innocent comments on facebook like a school kid. She has several ex's she has 'friended' on the FB site, I dont and would not. The last moronic episode was in response to my comment to a happily married school friend, that she was dieting to hard and I will send icecream vouchers ! There certainly isnt anything to hide but she will create something from ambiguous comments. I use a blackberry which receives text, work email, phonecalls and had the facebook apllication. (oh my god, I could be actually physically talking to people as well !) I have since removed the Facebook application and closed my account. Should I not be able to use FB or other social networking sites like any normal adult ? In recent times its been one of the only ways I have contact with my 17 year old son. That relationship is strained also due to my wifes non acceptance of him and he is not welcome by her into our house whereas I father my 6 year old stepson everyday. Seriously, what can I do to get her emotional maturity more in line with her age ? (32 !)
Comment by Richard — November 25, 2010 @ 5:26 pm
Keeping friends with exes will only provoke some kind of problem in the future.
Comment by Steven — December 5, 2010 @ 2:43 pm
My bf and I both have facebook account, but we aren't each other's friend on there. Since we have a lot of mutual friends, I can find his profile easily. I see him adding younger female friends who are out of the state we are in. I wonder how he knows them. I really can't question him because I know that it will most likely break our relationship. I am insecure and jealous which is the major reason why I didn't add him on my friend's list on there. I probably should just stop checking his profile or I am just sitting here and suffering. I could be just wasting my energy on platonic friendships that he has……. I must resist….
Comment by ski bun — December 20, 2010 @ 5:52 pm
When your bf doesn't post pictures of you and him on FB and he keeps adding females friends. How should you feel? I am feeling jealous. I asked him once, "how come you don't post pictures of us?" I just haven't posted any pictures for a while now. I am afraid if I ask more questions, I will destroy what we have…..
Comment by ski bun — December 21, 2010 @ 7:31 am
i feel the same way. the jealousy i get from seeing my bf talk to other girls i don't know is killing me inside, but i don't want to bring it up because i'm afraid of destroying what we have. i don't know if i'm being too jealous or would it be normal for me to ask him who these girls are without sounding so suspicious?
Comment by suspicious sally — December 23, 2010 @ 2:38 am
Same thing happened to me, he came off as he knew I didn't like it. He was in the music industy and was constantly adding girls with tarty clothing on within the industry, some of whom were glamour girls. I hated it and still hate him for doing it. He said his facebook was for networking and within the music industry everyone adds each other.
Anyway he went back on in November and did not tell me, I found out on Christmas day, it ended up destroying our relationship however there were other problems there to start with. I hate Facebook, I met myboyfriend on facebook and this made it hard for me to trust him as I knew he had hunted me on it.
Comment by laura porter — February 8, 2011 @ 2:08 pm
if you can't even add your own boyfriend on facebook then there must be a problem… and if you think your boyfriend will break up with you for asking simple questions then it doesn't seem that you have a very solid foundation to begin with. i can understand if your boyfriend might be upset that you question whether or not he's faithful to you because of what he says to other girls..(especially if he is faithful).. but if he is being faithful he should want you to feel secure in your relationship.. in life men and women want different things. men want respect and women want security. if you respect him when he says nothing is going on, then he should return the favor by providing some emotional security. walking on eggshells and fearing that you will ruin what you have by pointing out that his flirty ways makes you feel bad inside is only going to bring your self esteem and confidence down.. and men love a confident girl.. i say, either confront him calmly and keep your cool no matter what.. or get out before you're way to emotionally attached!!
Comment by luckyb23 — February 10, 2011 @ 11:20 pm
16 years marrried and ready to call it quits pays more attention to FB and her new guy frinds then she does her husband or children. It is a serious problem.
Comment by buddy — April 4, 2011 @ 3:04 am