I am a man. So by my very nature I hate all things related to Valentine’s Day. I am not dialed in to think that I should be extra romantic on one day versus any other. Needless to say my girlfriend is mad at me because I haven’t planned anything “special” for a this upcoming Thursday night.

When my life seems to be taking a turn for the worse I turn to the internet. When I need a job, internet. When I need a new house, internet. So if my girlfriend dumps me when she realizes I got her a crummy box of chocolates and a gift card to the Olive Garden for Valentine’s Day… Internet dating.

Not ready to make the completely sad jump to 100% internet dating I will turn to my old friend Facebook and ask it to ‘hook me up’ with someone. Facebook offers applications in everything from dating personality test, to dating games and actual dating services.

First Things First: What Kind of Woman Should I Date?

First I need to know what kind of date I really should be looking for. Never one to turn away from the stars I will seek my dating persona via What Sign Should You Date. If Mrs. Warwick can tell you the secrets of the stars so can this app that promises me that I will be able to find a date with the right sign.

If the stars aren’t the answer try the OkCupid Dating Test. It promises to classify me into one of 32 dating categories and assures me that I will know the best type of person to date.

Step Two: On to the Meat Market.

Once I have figured out the type of woman I need to date I need to find my love via Facebook. There are plenty of options for me to find a potential mate. Some of them include: Meet New People, Match.com’s Little Black Book, or I could just play the market with Hot or Not and hope my looks can carry me.

There are also much smaller networks based on things like religious preference, career paths and geographical location. If you want to meet someone from DC who likes to watch horror movies, while eating fudge, I am sure there is a Facebook network out there to help met and date her.

Step Three: Bragging to All My Friends

Not only will I be twittering and posting on my wall via my mobile while I am out on the date. The moment the date is over I will run home and lie tell all my friends about how I awkwardly kissed totally hooked up with this girl I met on the internet.

Always worried about my security I will only make small boast on my friend’s wall. I will use Dating Secret Confessions to tell the world how much of a stud I am with out fear of reprisal.

Step Four: Wash, Lather, Repeat.

After all of this, when my date realizes I made up terrible stories about what the inside of her apartment looks like, I will have to start this all over again. Good thing my friends will always be for me there on Facebook. Guys? Come on guys this isn’t funny anymore.